Want to know what a relapse for an addict feels like?

Want to know what a relapse for an addict feels like? This has been posted before; it’s an entry from the forthcoming book “The First 30 Days to Serenity: The Ultimate Survival Guide to Staying Sober” – which you can pre-order by going to www.rockstarsuperstarproject.com

Please pass it on if you feel it can help someone!

-Super Star

Day 1

I am awake.

It’s 10:38 a.m. and I hear voices downstairs. They are the voices of my twin brother and his fiancée and I’m pretty sure they are talking about me. Their voices are muffled from the distance between us. Once thing is crystal clear; if they are talking about me it isn’t anything good.

I have been here before. I don’t mean here at my brother’s girlfriend’s place in sunny Malibu, or in this bed, but here mentally. I’m familiar with this feeling I’m feeling now; remorseful of my mistake, remorseful immediately following yet another relapse. My tail is between my legs. I want to hide, curl up under the blanket and somehow magically disappear. I want to take it all back, reel it all in, change time and place and circumstance so I won’t have to feel what I’m feeling right now. Of course I don’t want this heavy feeling of regret peppered with dread, who would? But I know this much—I need to feel it. That’s what’s going to separate this relapse from the last 100 relapses. But if I could find a time machine and reset it to go back just twelve hours, I’d be a happy guy. Just twelve hours ago my life was a blissfully wonderful existence and to be living and enjoying each day was truly a gift. Now I feel as though that gift has been unwrapped to unveil a nasty, foul drug addict. I’m disgusted with myself as I very well should be. I’m deserving of each and every one of these feelings.

My twin brother, Marc, comes in and immediately tells me that I should go downstairs to speak to his fiancée. I need to do the well choreographed dance of apology about the previous night’s drama and the stress that I am causing their relationship and her personally. I know what I did. My first thought is “I don’t need the reminder from you asshole. I know that I fucked up yet again.” And then my second thought comes quickly…”Unfortunately he is right and I understand his anger.” He has a right to be angry. Not only did I let him down, I let his fiancée down.

Last night I had concocted some bullshit story of going to dinner with my friend’s family, but in actuality I borrowed my brother’s car, picked up some crack and drove to my apartment in Brentwood to get high. It was a relapse set in motion long before I picked up the drugs. My brother’s fiancée, Lenee, and her girlfriend, Maria, were looking for me after calling to question my whereabouts. I knew they suspected that I might be using drugs tonight. They probably saw it coming weeks ago, just as I had. My seriousness about my recovery was slipping and becoming less of a priority. That probably should have been the first sign that I was in trouble. It has always been quite obvious to tell when I’m getting high, even over the phone. My voice begins to crack, words start to slur, and the pauses in between each syllable become longer. After an exchange of only one sentence with me, their suspicions were confirmed. I could literally hear the heartbreak crackling across the phone line.

I can’t even imagine the disappointment that they must have felt and the overwhelming knowledge that I let them down when they wanted nothing more than for me to succeed. How odd that I knew this would happen, yet I decided to do it anyway. The disease was strong enough to convince me in some warped manner that it wouldn’t matter.

But of course that was a lie. It matters and somewhere inside of all that mattering, it hurts. It hurts me and it hurts them. My brother and Lenee had been so happy and excited recently; boasting to everyone how I had just completed 60 days of sobriety. I had just begun to earn a small amount of respect and trust back from them following my previous relapse. But like they say, if you fly with the crows you get shot at, and again and again my disease shows me that it has perfect aim. It always does because I allow it to.

I’m well aware that my lack of incorporating the tools that I had learned in rehab and past relapses ultimately played a significant part in this tumble and ultimate fall. I was bound for failure. I do know better, of course I know better. I was taught better and was smarter and far savvier than any drug could be; yet I keep falling and harder each time. I have heard it told that every time you relapse you lose more of yourself and each time it is harder to bounce back. I never fully understood what that meant and whatever it did mean I’d always been sure couldn’t be true. But now I know. I understand, and it is horribly, painfully true.

Getting caught last night set me back many months. It sent me back from the place where my family trusted me or would ever feel confident enough in me to trust me again. I do this all the time. How could I ever recover from the sheer magnitude of this disappointment? The sorrow and embarrassment I am feeling right now in this moment is extreme. My disease wants me to think that I can bounce back easily, that everyone will get over it soon enough, and it’s in that very thinking that the trouble starts. But I’m onto it this time and I am going to be sure I experience the pain of the situation I am in, as I should. I usually don’t and that’s why I am here again.

I set out on the walk of shame downstairs to apologize. I meet Lenee’s eyes and it’s apparent that she’s been crying. She’s still in her robe and I can tell it’s been a rough morning. I lean over, hug her, and tell her I am sorry. The problem is at this point I have said “I’m sorry” too many times. I always say I’m sorry. I always hope this word will solve the problem, though I’ve proven to myself that this just simply isn’t true. This woman had done nothing but help me. She helped me secure treatment here in Malibu, not once but twice since I arrived. She spent almost $90,000 on “fixing me” but it’s clear that I am still broken.

Or am I? Could it be that I’m just not trying hard enough? I do know the real answer to that question, even though something in me won’t allow me to admit it. But between you, these pages, and me it’s obvious that had I wanted sobriety all along and I’d do what I could to get it. But right now I have to tend to the situation at hand and do my damndest to make her feel better. How can a hug and I’m sorry ever be enough to do this? I’m sick of giving hugs. I’m sick of I’m sorry. They just don’t work. The people that I give them to are probably pretty tired of them too. The only way I could ever repay Lenee is to stay sober and I can’t seem to even do that. But come on, of course I can. I just haven’t been trying hard enough.

Lenee opens up her mouth. “It’s okay, but tell me what happened.”

I know it’s not ok, and I certainly can’t tell her what happened.

I take a seat across from her and despite knowing it means absolutely nothing coming from my mouth, I apologize over and over again. It’s all I can think of to do at the moment.

She asks again, “What happened?” She asks as if she wonders if it was anything that she did. I can take this opportunity and point fingers and blame her by making up something that we both know would be un-true because that’s what I always do. I always avoid responsibility. But not this time.

I sink deep into my chair, knowing that she has taken this relapse personally and somehow is feeling responsible for it. This makes me cringe and cower even more. I have to man up and say something. “No,” I tell her. “I just wanted to get high. It’s as simple as that.” For no rhyme or reason, I just wanted to get high. Usually when I relapse I hurl full throttle into a binge for a few days, spending enormous amounts of money, selling anything I have in my possession, losing tons of weight and coming back home skinnier and in the same clothes I had left in. But this wasn’t my normal M.O. this time. I somehow managed to only spend $60 last night and when I was done, I was done—really done. But that doesn’t matter. There was no shiny reward or statuette to place on your mantel for Responsible Addict. I know this, but I still try to justify my actions. A relapse is a relapse no matter which way you look at it.

Lenee tells me that she and Marc have made prior plans for the weekend and asks if I would be willing to go to Chicago to visit my girlfriend. I had left her there months earlier so I could go into rehab. I am actually dying to see her so I happily accept. In Lenee’s eyes this will give me time to sober up, but in actuality I already am sober, or at least I think I am. She doesn’t understand that I only had a few hits. I didn’t want more and wasn’t even thinking about getting more. But I can hear in her voice that she thinks I am craving and will do anything to get my hands on any drug that I can. This isn’t the case, but how or why would I try to explain this to her? She has no reason to believe me anyway.

She proceeds to tell me how important it is to her that Marc and I get a chance to live our dreams and that my visit to Chicago is just temporary for only a few days. I can’t be sure if she’s telling me the truth or not. Maybe she never wants me back. But I do care about what she thinks and for her well-being. I am certain that this fiasco has really pushed her to the brink, so of course I’ll go. I don’t want her to feel she has to be my babysitter this weekend. I want her to have a fun, relaxing time and that could only happen if she’s away from all of this drama. She needs to get away from me and try to forget about the destruction and mayhem that I just caused. So I accept her offer, humbly apologize one more time and head back upstairs. And in case you’re wondering, it’s harder than it sounds to do.

I see my brother on the stairs. He’s pissed and doesn’t trust me alone in the house anymore. I’ve never taken from that house, but I still can’t blame him. Today he has an appointment and wants me to tag along. This is his way of keeping an eye on me and getting me out of his house when no one else will be home. I have no choice in the matter so I go. I’ve lost rights, freedom, and the simple pleasures of being a grown up and not a kid. I pretty much have to do whatever anyone tells me to do at this point. Despite not wanting to be in the same car with him at the moment, I have to be willing to face the dread of this consequence. Doing so might just be the very thing that will ensure that I never, ever want to go through this again.

I sit in his car, waiting for the appointment to be over and wonder what’s on the agenda for the rest of the day. I watch healthy and productive, non-addicted people as they drive in, walk by and carry on. Sheer embarrassment and humility make it so I don’t really want to go back and see Lenee again. I had a hard time showing my face to her this morning, but I will if I have to.

My brother approaches the vehicle, climbs in, and asks how I feel about going to Chicago right now.

“Are you nuts?” I say. “I need time to pack!” All my clothes are back at his place.

“Too bad”, he says. “Your flight leaves at 6:15 p.m.”

I plead for a chance. I plead to be allowed back into the house for the simple right to grab my jacket. “I don’t want to go to Chicago without a jacket in April,” I shout.

“Too bad,” he says. “Should have thought about that before you got high.”

“What about my dog? She’s at my apartment. I haven’t been there for a full day now and she’s got to eat!” I plead, hoping for any little shred of mercy.

“I’ll take care of her,” is all he gives me.

My blood is boiling and quickly heats to fury. It’s hard to know what’s the rawest spot. Was it not being given the chance to say goodbye to my dog, Doro, or being denied the most basic of liberties—being able to pack like a sane man and call my girlfriend so she could make arrangements for my arrival. But maybe what hurt and pissed me off the most was that my own twin brother couldn’t get rid of me fast enough.

I’m lost in all of this anger. I try to convince myself that it’ll work itself out and be all right again since it’s only going to be a few days. I have to tell myself that right now even when all I really want to do is cry. Sure I miss my girlfriend, but I’ve never loved Chicago. Who wants to leave Malibu for the Windy City for goodness sake? But it’s my fault. It’s always my fault.

I try to calm down, regroup and carry on. She has some of my clothes from a previous visit. I’ll manage. It’s only a few days, right? Seeing my girlfriend, Edyta, will be a good distraction and may help me get through this weekend.

There are no other words shared between my brother and me as we approach the airport. He pulls in, veers to the curb and slams it into park. I reluctantly get out of the truck, get a quick and emotionless hug from my brother and walk zombie-like inside to check in.

The next thing I know I’m in Chicago. It’s late and I’m tired. I take a taxi from the airport to the house and as the taxi drops me off Edyta and her dog, Zena, welcome me. This makes me miss my Doro. Edyta had already gotten the call ahead from my brother and I’m sure he didn’t say the nicest of things. She doesn’t say much to me. I know she is just as disappointed as everyone else and I’m just as embarrassed to be here as I was to be in California amidst all the drama that I caused.

Sometimes I think that those who surround addicts don’t realize that we do have a conscious and that our relapses are twice as taxing on us emotionally as they are on them. Not only do we have to deal with the let down that we caused them, but also the let down that we feel within ourselves. Please don’t mistake me and think that I’m attempting to minimize what we as addicts put the people who love us through. But by the same token they certainly shouldn’t think that they are the only ones feeling the pain of our deeds.

Edyta undresses me and puts me into bed for the night, and before closing my eyes I offer her the contents of my wallet. I do this as a precautionary measure and as an act of good faith. I do have some cash on me right now and this is a smart but humbling move. I’m embarrassed, but even here, so many miles from sunny California, crack cocaine is just blocks away and that’s a chance I can’t take.

I go to bed feeling sad for Edyta. She knows I’m only here because I’m an optionless man. I really didn’t have a choice, and for her, that has to hurt.

Three-feeling check in: sad, disappointed, and heartbroken.

A year-later reflection:

Stinkin’ Thinkin’:

• I state that I relapsed because I just wanted to get high but that’s not true. Using drugs is no longer for fun. I recall now that I had been feeling things that I didn’t want to feel. Feelings of worthlessness and the fear of not knowing what my future held for me in California were what I was running from. The only way I knew how to avoid dealing with these was by using drugs, which made things worse.

• It’s obvious that I’m trying to justify doing $60 worth of drugs during the previous night’s relapse. There shouldn’t be any justification. As I state, “a relapse is a relapse,” no matter what way you try to slice it. Own up to it.

• It may be true that immediately after a relapse your desires to get high are gone, but never under-estimate the power of your drug of choice while it’s still in your body. I may have said that I didn’t have any cravings, but what if I had keys to a car and a wad of cash? My guess is I would’ve bought drugs. Don’t kid yourself. You’re not as powerful as you think you are at this time of weakness. It’s important to take ALL the precautionary measures seriously, and that includes staying around as many sober people as you can, even though you may not want to.

• How dare I get mad about not being allowed to pack before being sent off to Chicago! I just relapsed and destroyed all the trust that I had re-earned for the 100th time! An addict after a relapse should hardly have any rights at all. A relapse should be as painful as can be, and I credit my brother and Lenee for sticking to their guns and making it this way for me. It made me never want to go through it again! The ONLY person I should have been mad at is myself. The good news is I made it through this terrible time and you can too!


Sober Thinking:

• I had extreme feelings of remorse regarding my relapse. This is key to getting through your first 24 hours of sobriety. It’s a feeling you must try to remember for the rest of your life, and I use it often to keep me in-check and out of trouble. The moment you forget how bad this day was is the moment your relapse starts. I should know, I’ve forgotten every time except this time. That’s one of the reasons I’m sober today!

• Remember that others have a right to be angry and disappointed with you after a relapse. No one can help you decide to get and stay sober but our loved ones often think they can. I remember how awful I felt when my brother came in the room and can recall feeling his anger radiate through the entire bedroom. I had no choice but to suck it up. It is the same with Lenee during this day. Notice how she felt responsible for my relapse. She wasn’t, I was. But this is what happens with friends and family members that surround any addict, and it’s important to be aware of this dynamic. It’s important for you and them to know that it’s not their fault!

• It’s also important to know and accept that those close to you may need a break! Remember, you have been a whirlwind of doom in their lives for a long time. They will come back as you stay sober. They always do and more often than not, closer than ever before. When Lenee said she wanted me to go away to Chicago I knew it was important to go and give her space.

• I took responsibility for my relapse this time and that’s important. Take responsibly for your relapse and newfound sobriety. Never blame others for your fall. It’s time to start owning up and taking it seriously. Day 1 was a horrible day but I was fortunately aware enough to take responsibility for my actions and deal with the dread and humiliation and somehow persevered. A year later, I can tell you this made me stronger, although at the time I would have never seen this coming.

A 36 year-old addict with nothing? Hardly…

A 36 year-old addict with nothing? Hardly…

I know one of these people. He is a brilliant guy. At least he thinks so. He is smart, charming, witty, some say handsome, but he’s also an addict. Because of his addiction, to this day has no car, no possessions or even clothes to call his own. Most think he does, but its true. He has no money, nothing. Really? Nothing? Well I guess he does have one thing going for him and I think he knows it. Its today’s sobriety. This is what he is using to help others succeed where he failed. So after reading this would you call him a failure? Some have, but he does not let things get to him anymore.

He is resilient, persistent and knows he can weather this storm if he wants to bad enough and have anything that he desires providing he stays on this path. His perseverance is beyond anyone’s that he knows, he knows this, and because of it, will ultimately win the race.

I know him well. He has more than he thinks. After all, he has his dreams and no one can ever take them away. Or can they?

Because he is sober, he is frantically working towards them as we speak. He wants to make each and everyone one of them a reality. Not just for himself but for others around watching him to know they can do it themselves if also sober. He is working hard, working diligently. His dreams are waiting for him and he’s closer to them than he has ever been. His dreams are the only thing he has to hang onto anymore. They represent the hope and possibility that things can and will get better if he just tries hard enough.

His dreams are to continue reaching out and helping those that may be afraid to ask for help themselves. His dreams are to continue his work alongside his brother in conveying to as many people that will listen to how important sobriety and responsibility really is. His dreams are to someday soon, finally become a respected member of society and not just “a worthless drug addict.”

I know this guy all right and I am proud to say its me.

Most people think my brother and I have everything, but we don’t. We only have each other and are just like you. We are constantly struggling with our inner demons and suffering the consequences because of them. And also just like you, we get up and try and try again to do things right because we know that one day, we will be looking back on all this and smiling when knowing where we finally got it right.

-Super Star

Please pass this on if you feel it can help someone.
www.weareoneonline.org

It’s ok to relapse, really!

It’s ok to relapse, really!

Well let me explain before I get into trouble and spell out what I am saying so it’s very clear and not misinterpreted in anyway.

Ok I sound a bit whacked I know. Especially when it’s so important for consistency regarding your days clean. But honestly, it all about the day that’s present. That is all that matters. I don’t care if you or I relapsed yesterday, its all about today. That is all that matters so don’t beat yourself up over it if you fell recently.

As I said recently in a Facebook post, I too struggle with addiction on a daily basis. Struggling with addiction does not always mean with your drug of choice either. It’s the way an addict thinks and it’s the stinking thinking that always leads to trouble. So yes I struggle with addiction issues and it’s an every day battle.

Something happened to me yesterday that was a prime example of how my addiction is waiting for me and growing stronger with each passing day. It’s no doubt waiting for me and today I choose to tell it to go elsewhere and thank god I do. If you make it to bed sober tonight gang, you have won the battle for today now worry about tomorrow, tomorrow.

Family members sometimes forget that the addict does sense an overwhelming sense of failure and despair during a relapse. I know they do because I rememeber seeing it first hand. Members of ones family quickly grow tired of the excuses and rightfully so. They are tired of the “I’m sorry’s.” Again, rightfully so. But so are we. We are tired of letting others down and it’s important to let the “normies” know and understand that we are trying and that one day we will get it right if we want to bad enough. So, don’t abandon us completely, let us know on some level you are there rooting for us to “get it right.” Also be strong and aware as to never let us manipulate you and never ever enable us in anyway. That will be a huge factor in our success.

So its ok to relapse! Just don’t do it again, starting NOW!

If you feel this can help, pass it on!

-Super Star
www.weareoneonline.org

Another example of how asking for help can actually help!

Hello all, I just thought I’d share another one of my stories to show anyone that will listen, just how powerful drug addiction can be - even if a loved one’s life is at its end.

So here it is-

My grandmother and I were extremely close. All while growing up and into adulthood, she was the only other woman on this planet; other than my girlfriend at the time, whom I adored. Although I was living in Chicago and her NY, we’d keep in constant contact with one another via phone and I’d often take the trip out just to see her and take her grocery shopping. I didn’t mind the drive, after all, it gave me a reason to get out and get high along the way. I must have been 27-ish. I was falling deeper into an addiction and I don’t think I really knew it.

She had become extremely ill and had been in the care of Hospice towards the end of her journey. One morning, I had received a call from her. She was not at all sounding like herself. She told me that today was her day and that she was going to “go”. As much as I did not want to believe her words, I felt she was right. As our brief telephone conversation was nearing an end, her words became less and less coherent. I told her not to “go” anywhere without me there to help see her through it. I hung up and quickly packed. I had to get going. I had to be there for her.

On the way out of Chicago, I was full of emotions. I can recall despair and sadness were all I felt and I sure the hell didn’t want to deal with those emotions. In fact, I don't think I even really knew how. I always needed drugs to help me deal with them and this time was no exception. If I were going to be successful at sitting in my truck for the next 12 to make the trek. I had to stop and get some!

I was quickly able to pick up a bit of heroin at a stop I had often frequented. I would have preferred some crack to help me stay awake for the drive but it was all the dealer had so I took it. The problem though, heroin is a downer. It makes me sleepy. That’s obviously not good for someone who needs to be alert for the next 12 hrs. Nevertheless, it wasn’t enough to stop me from taking a hit of it as soon as I got it. So there I was, not even out of the state of Illinois yet and I was already high. My addiction had me and I was already not caring about getting to my grandmother to say good-bye. Crazy how we become different people as soon as we have our drugs in our system.

I could not believe what I was doing. Picking drugs over doing what I knew was right. I was aware enough to know that this time was different and I had to do something, at least for the time being, so I could get to NY and get there sober. I needed an act of god to help me get to her before she passed away.

So I pulled over to the side of the road, and for the next few minutes - prayed.

I had prayed before for assistance but never like this. Each previous time, praying to what I felt were to deaf ears, but not this time. I sat, focused and really felt I had a line of communication to my higher power. I felt it, heard it, and definitely had it; I must have because for the next 12 hour drive, I was suddenly in control.

I was alone with my own thoughts for the next 12 hours and was able to deal with them without the use of drugs as a coping mechanism. This brief moment of clarity did allow me to eventually make it to NY and make it there sober as well.

My grandmother did end up waiting for me that night and remarkably just as I arrived to hold her hand, decided to let “go.” It was one of the most beautiful things I had ever been apart of and I could not have done it at that moment without sobriety in my life.


If you feel this could help someone, please pass it on!

-Super Star
www.rockstarsuperstarproject.com

Could pot be a problem for anyone? Sure can!

Could pot be a problem for anyone? Sure can!

My view on pot is probably a little less traditional than how most recovering addicts feel about it. I am neither for nor against its legalization, simply because I just do not do it. And since its illegal in almost every state, I do not want to be associated with. I got enough problems to worry about, the last thing I need is to get charged with marijuana possession. I do agree though that pot is not a problem for some and for those that need it for medical purposes, well then they should be allowed access to it. After all, who are we to tell anyone that they should suffer if they have an option not to? However, pot can become an issue for many and become very dangerous. It can even ruin lives. I have seen it first hand in rehab and this email below only confirms my statement. So let us address it.


Dear Super Star,

I need some advice. Help for someone who will not stop smoking pot and is on the verge of loosing everything he owns and loves because of it! I know that he will not quit until he wants to, but I have been trying to get him to quit for years. How do I make him want to quit? He sees his world has fallen apart, has legal issues now and he still won’t stop. It hurts to see him throw his life away like this. He becomes very sarcastic and down right nasty if I suggest counseling. Any suggestions? Help!

Thanks,

-Anonymous

Well anonymous, the unfortunate situation you have to face is that you cannot convince anyone to stop anything. That all has to come from within the one struggling with the addition. To motivate change, one needs a reason. Sometimes it takes rather unfortunate circumstances and consequences for the abuser to stop their drug of choice. However, for some, the trouble they find themselves in is not enough to convince them to do otherwise. This of course is where the professionals often come in, rehabs, drug abuse counselors, etc. An important tool that my brother and I are trying to convey is the tool of “success” that can come from abstinence. Getting an addict to see that success can be found only while sober has helped many that we have met with; decide to at least try it. Help him identify his passion and use that as a tool to help them get excited and enthusiastic about their purpose in life. For me it was helping others with a little music thrown in the mix. For him it may be something different, but whatever it is, have him find it and focus his energies on what makes him happy.

There of course is a lot more to your situation and it’s not as easy to fix as I make it sound. You have to remember, most addicts become so because they have trouble dealing with their feelings, therefore, they use drugs a medicine to help cover them up and sweep them under the carpet, then of course get addicted to the process and the substance itself. INSERT – ADDICTION! That is when experienced professionals can step in and help those that cannot help themselves see that it does not have to be like that any longer. Its never too late to learn how to deal properly with the situations and emotions that life throws at you. However, not everyone is in his or her addiction so deep. Some just need a budge in the right direction and are already in a position to absorb the essential life skills and tools from recovery environments such as AA or NA meetings, books, or even the Rock Star Super Star story, etc.

As far as his nastiness is concerned when your trying make him see that you’re just trying to help. Ignore what is left of it and stop trying so hard. Easier said than done I know. Especially of you’re a mom! The best thing you can do though is to not let yourself become the abused. If he is at a point that the mere mention of him needing help gets him to become irate, then stop making the suggestions. He needs to falter and trip on his own doings. Stop Stop Stop. From an addict’s perspective, it’s just going to develop more unfair resentments towards you and from your point of view; well you just don’t deserve that kind of treatment. If he gets caught, let him go to jail, if he wrecks his car, do not buy him a new one. I am sure you get the point. Remember, he needs a reason to stop, so let him find it and do not take it away from him when he does.

I hope this helps!

If you have any questions you would like to ask Super Star, send me an email at super@superstarsuperstar.com. In addition, don’t forget to pre-order our copy of Serenity from the www.rockstarsuperstarproject.com website. It’s a great way to get the message to the importance of sobriety if your not one who likes to be lectured or read a book! Check out the sample below.



-Super Star

PS. If you think this could help someone, please pass it on!

Anyone care to dream a little dream with me?

Anyone who is fighting for something, anything, should read this.

It has been awhile since I have blogged and to everyone emailing for another, well here I am…and here is another.

I have been rather quiet for a couple weeks. The reason is that I immersed myself in work. I think at a point it became unhealthy. I’m still not sure. I was in a zone of trying to accomplish something big. Along with my co-worker and friend Matt Gabrys from www.realcollegetour.com, were both relentless on a pursuit of redemption. This blog will drift briefly from the subject of sobriety but trust me, it’s a message every addict needs to read as it serves as a testament to perseverance, which all of us need from time to time to make it on through that next sober moment. So here it goes.

Have you ever been told that dreadful expression, “Keep dreaming?” It’s a ludicrous and negative comment that usually comes from those who that aren’t inspired themselves and/or cant stand it when others around them succeed. Trust me; I get this all day long, sometimes 2 to 3 times a week. Rock Star and myself, and Matt, were all told (and sometimes to our faces), that our hopes and desires were too unreasonable. One example would be that our music would never play on any single station in America. That our method to bringing to light a very serious substance abuse issue amongst our youth will never attract enough attention to ever make a difference. Well sorry to 100% of those around us, we do not and will never see things that way. AND THANK GOD! In our eyes, everything imaginable is obtainable. Of course that is, if your sober and of course, we are.

While Rock Star rocked his message of sobriety in California, Matt and I kept busy ourselves in the windy city trying to break through the wall of despair and rejection with these very objectives. .

As you all are aware, my brother and I have recently released National Anthem 2.0. A song performed by members of Trans-Siberian Orchestra, Circle II Circle, and ourselves and created with sincere sentiment toward our great nation. We felt very strongly about this effort and very positive about the message we were trying to express. The message was simple; support all of those who are on the front lines everyday, fighting for our freedom at home and around the globe while at the same time, release a song so inspirational and so true, that it will ultimately allow us to convey our message of sobriety to the masses. We were setting ourselves up for quite a mission.

National Anthem 2.0 was not just the ultimate tribute to the Star Spangled Banner. It was bigger than anyone of us and we all knew it from the beginning. We all felt very strongly that it was important to get this song out there and in every way and anyway we could.

Well today, I can stand before you and can say that because of our very exhausting efforts, the song has now garnered interest from radio stations across the country. It has been nominated by the L.A Music Awards as “Song of the year,” and finally, we have recently learned of a few towns will be playing the song to help welcome home members of the National Guard during their upcoming homecomings. As you can imagine, this is the ultimate compliment for us.

But in between the lines to all this success are the self-doubts created by the doubters that surrounded us. It was often Matt and I would look at each other and ask, “When should we give up?” Because we knew what getting this song out there could do for us to help us communicate our message of sobriety later on, we knew we had to keep going, but but how? The doubts were setting in quickly and it was making things extremely difficult.

“How much of our effort would make a difference anyway?” I can remember asking.

It was a very difficult time and everyday we were faced with a discouraging blow to the face by someone else who had an over inflated ego and who didn’t want to help us simply for the reason because he/she knew that they could.

Then the emails came tricking in.

Various Lieutenant Colonel told us they liked the song.

Family members of soldiers told us they liked the song.

Now we could not stop.

During this time, there were A LOT of program directors and other corporate folks who wrote us off by ignoring us completely with our ideas and proposals. This is hard to accept when it was often that developing one initiative or pitch could take up to 10-20 hours to perfect, or in the case of General Motors, 40-50 hours. Most people don't think about that when they click delete. Pretty sad. Some stations and companies even told us the song was song “too patriotic,” for their tastes. Hundreds of hours only to end our days with comments and actions that we saw as nothing more than a slap in the face to our soldiers and our nation’s heroes. We ourselves also took them very personally. Our hopes were always high and we suddenly found them AND ourselves at an all time low. Dealing with rejections on a daily basis is discouraging and disheartening. Every one of them were hard to recover from because each was a horrific blow to our self-esteem and self-worth. Geez, maybe everyone was right. Maybe we should "keep dreaming."

As I mentioned prior, we did get radio eventually but it wasn’t just radio Matt and I were after. It was something even greater. We knew we had a good product (song), and being the innovators we are often called, knew it could do a whole lot of good for a whole lot of people somehow, but in what way?

Then we thought about it and realized how terrific it would be to get this song into the hands of an organization that could benefit from its message of patriotism and use on a level that we never could. Moreover, on a level that could help more people in ways than we could ever fathom. But at this stage of our push we were already running on fumes and only a day or two away from possibly giving up completely.

Last Monday, before I laid my little head down to rest, I prayed harder than I ever had. I asked my higher power for anything, just a little something; to give me us the courage to continue our quest to do what we felt was “the right thing.”

Then I went to sleep to “keep dreaming.”

The very next morning, the phone rang. On the other end of that phone was my answer we had been relentlessly perusing for months.

I cried.

Everything and even more than what Matt, Rock Star or I could of ever of hoped for was suddenly and almost still unbelievably talking to me on the other and of the phone.

Although I cannot tell you what just yet, National Anthem 2.0 is now in the hands of the right entity. My higher power undoubtedly brought us together. We are lucky to have people and companies out there that “get it,” and like Matt, I, and my brother, are not afraid to stand up and fight for those that stand in front of us on our behalf every single day. For the ones that don’t and didn’t, SHAME ON YOU.

So in the not to distant future when you hear National Anthem 2.0 on the radio by Rock Star Super Star project, you can be sure that its for a great cause and we hope that you show your support to them in droves.

As of writing this blog, a total 60,000 of you have watched the videos posted online for National Anthem 2.0. It has been nominated for “Best song of the year” by LA Music Awards and will be used by an extremely important organization that supports our Military Might. Not to shabby for a song that everyone told us not to write.

If you are dealing with your own obstacles while fighting for your own truth, with addiction, or anything else, or just need some kind words of inspiration and hope, please email me at super@superstarsuperstar.com and/or visit us at www.rockstarsuperstarproject.com

In conclusion, you can accomplish everything and anything, just stay sober. It is the only way. And for all those that have helped in some form or another, push National Anthem 2.0 to the front lines, thank you. Redemption is already here.

And to Matt, the one person who set up camp with me for all those months who never gave up. Truly the one person who never laughed, ok we both laughed, no matter how outrageous my ideas and claims. All those Friday and Saturday nights working behind our crazy laptops wishing we were somewhere with the rest of the world, even if it were a Wal-Mart, thanks brother. On to the next conquerable endeavor. You ready? Cause I got an idea!

Message from DJ AM Goldstein's mom

While speaking with DJ AM’s mother Andrea the other night I was reminded of just how painful this disease is to the family members of those that surround the us. As you might know, nearly a year after surviving a plane crash in South Carolina, disc jockey Adam "DJ AM" Goldstein was found dead in his New York apartment last September from a drug overdose. He was just 36 years old. DJ AM was a role model to many kids and adults struggling to come to terms with their addiction. Despite the terms of his death, DJ AM did make the difference he set out to and even after his death, is conveying a message to the importance of sobriety. The message is loud and clear. Drugs can kill you. My brother and I are dedicating our CD “Serenity” in loving memory of DJ AM. May his message help those that are willing to listen finally get the help they need. DJ AM’s mom has asked us to share the following with everyone. Please take note to the seriousness of her words. They are painful to read….

The Truth from DJAM's Mom:

If Adam were here, he would tell you......
I have NO desire to die.
I want to live.
I didn't know that I was taking too many drugs at once.
I fell asleep.
The drugs made my body STOP BREATHING.
I didn't know that would happen.
YOU won't know either.


For more information on Rock Star and Super Star, please visit www.weareoneonline.org or www.rockstarsuperstarprojct.com