When love becomes your drug of choice

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Relationships can be harmful to your health.

I have to admit, there was a time when I used others to make me feel better about myself. I was consumed with someone else’s happiness and this distracted me from my own life. This is called “codependency.” At the time I didn’t see how unhealthy it was but now I understand just how negative it was. To those watching from the outside, seeing someone so caught up in another’s life, looking for happiness where happiness doesn’t exist, is for lack of a better word, problematic. Do you know anyone like this?

That used to be me. I was that guy! I was extremely codependent! It wasn’t until I was faced with some very difficult challenges that I finally realized that happiness can only come from within. Thanks to these experiences I have been able to shed those truly unattractive behaviors and break free from codependency.

Wikipedia defines Codependency or codependence as a tendency to behave in overly passive or excessively caretaking ways that negatively impact one’s relationships and quality of life. It also often involves putting one’s needs at a lower priority than others while being excessively preoccupied with the needs of others. ^[1] Codependency can occur in any type of relationship … with family, co-workers, friendships, and also in romantic, peer or community relationships.

I dislike the word codependence. It was a word I heard often while growing up. It never sounded like it was a good thing and I didn’t realize how damaging it was until I finally understood what it meant to be codependent. It’s just an ugly word.

My codependent behavior would rear its ugly head at the beginning of almost every relationship I have ever had. Very soon into the relationship I’d shower her with gifts and massages. I’d then skip work to just have 5 extra minutes with her during lunch break, oh and while at lunch, I’d spend my last $10.00 treating her even though I hadn’t eaten all day. After 3 days into our dating I’d already consider her my other half and smother her with text messages, hundreds of them, all sent while I was driving, putting other lives in complete danger, all because I couldn’t wait a few extra minutes to see what her reply would be. I couldn’t sleep. I wouldn’t work. I’d just be too busy waiting for that next email. Ack! My skin crawls when I think I used to be this way.

This was all normal to me though. I was unhappy with myself and I thought if I made someone else happy then I’d be happy. That’s codependence at its simplest definition. The act of believing you are making yourself happy while making it appear you only care about making those around you happy. Make sense? Took me a while to grasp it but when I did, I didn’t want anything more to do with it. It’s just completely backwards.

In a way this behavior is like the behavior of an addict abusing drugs. I used drugs to mask my feelings. I used them to escape my world and enter into another one. That’s the exact same reason why people engage in codependent behaviors. Codependent people are in hiding. They would rather find comfort in running to “rescue” someone else than face themselves in the mirror. The problem with this is everything. It’s a destructive way to live. Imagine having to start a new relationship every few years because the one that you had spent so much toxic time in ended. Imagine never finding true love because you never took the time to find yourself. Yuck, I’ve been there and I don’t want to ever go back.

Finding sobriety was my turning point. This is what allowed me to see my life without the “gooey goo gaga girlfriend goggles”. Sobriety is where I finally understood how loving myself first, depending on no one else for my happiness, was what was healthy and true.

I sure am one of the happiest now because I’ve learned to put myself first! Hope this helps someone somewhere!

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About me: I am Super Star (yes, that is my legal name). I have earned that name – and accomplished what many people would consider impossible – because I chose to stay sober one day at a time. I left the crack houses to mingle with Hollywood’s elite, ending up working with all of my childhood musical heroes, and have now found my purpose in life after surviving an almost 15-year battle with the disease of addiction.

Currently, I am an advocate for kids in recovery from substance abuse (and prevention as well) in Malibu, California, as well as from my home in Chicago, a sober companion to many, director of a non-profit that helps those struggling with recovery, and passionate speaker to kids about the issues of drugs and addiction.

I am also an author and musician. I am currently finishing my work on the book, “The First 30 Days to Serenity: The Ultimate Survival Guide to Staying Sober,” which can be pre-ordered here. I have also just wrapped up the recording of Serenity, a first-of-its-kind CD created in conjunction with my twin brother Rock Star solely to combat addiction. “Serenity,” was produced by a Grammy-winning producer and features many of our musical heroes, who have come together to help us tell our story in an effort to help others through their own addiction struggles. Guests on our CD include current and former members of bands such as Kiss, Heart, The Goo Goo Dolls, Dokken, Trans-Siberian Orchestra as well as many more. It rocks – musically and inspirationally – and can be found here

Pass this on if you feel it can help someone and feel free to visit us at www.rockstarsuperstarproject.com